Module 06 · Relationship Satisfaction and Dissolution关系满意度与解体
When Relationships End关系结束的过程
Overview 概述
One sad truth about relationships is that, often despite our best efforts, they end. On this final content page of the course, we will talk about what happens in relationships that causes them to fail, and what happens after a breakup occurs.
关于关系的一个令人悲伤的事实是，尽管我们尽力而为，它们往往还是会结束。在本课程的最后一页内容中，我们将讨论导致关系失败的原因，以及分手后会发生什么。
The Process of a Breakup 分手的过程
Originally, when trying to describe how relationships end, researchers took an approach that came to be known as the reversal hypothesis of relationship dissolution (Altman & Taylor, 1973; Duck, 1982). In this model, the processes that lead to the creation of relationships are undone, leading to the end of the relationships. For example, we learned that similar people tend to be more attracted to each other than dissimilar ones. The reversal of this—people who become more dissimilar over the course of a relationship—could lead to decreasing attraction and, ultimately, the demise of the relationship. Similarly, if the relationship was based on passion but not intimacy (i.e., infatuated love in the triangular theory of love), and the passion goes away, the attraction will similarly go away. Essentially, the reversal hypothesis says that something that was present at the start of the relationship goes away, leading to the end of the relationship.
最初，当试图描述关系如何结束时，研究人员采取了一种后来被称为关系解体逆转假说（Altman & Taylor，1973；Duck，1982）的方法。在这个模型中，导致关系建立的过程被逆转，从而导致关系的结束。例如，我们了解到相似的人往往比不同的人更容易相互吸引。这种逆转——人们在关系过程中变得更加不同——可能导致吸引力下降，最终导致关系的终结。同样，如果关系基于激情而非亲密（即爱情三角理论中的迷恋之爱），而激情消失，吸引力也会相应消失。本质上，逆转假说认为，在关系开始时存在的东西消失了，从而导致关系的结束。
As appealing as this hypothesis sounds, the research support for the reversal hypothesis was mixed (Duck, 1982), with many suggesting there were other more important factors that caused relationships to end. For example, sociologist Diane Felmlee (1995) argued that the characteristics that initially draw us to a person might, in time, lead us to become disenchanted with them. She called this the fatal attraction hypothesis because the traits that start out causing attraction end up being fatal for the relationship. For example, imagine we are attracted to a person with a great sense of humor who is always making everybody laugh. Because of this attraction, we begin a romantic relationship with them only to discover that their ability to make jokes in every situation makes it very difficult to have a serious conversation with them. If revealing our hopes and desires or trying to address problems in the relationship is always met with a joke, our attraction to this person might quickly diminish. So, rather than the end of a relationship being caused by the disappearance of a desired trait, these data suggest that a desired trait in and of itself may doom a relationship.
尽管这个假设听起来很有吸引力，但支持逆转假设的研究结果是混合的（Duck，1982），许多人认为还有其他更重要的因素导致了关系的结束。例如，社会学家 Diane Felmlee（1995）认为，最初吸引我们的那些特质，随着时间的推移，可能会让我们对这个人感到失望。她称之为致命吸引力假设，因为最初引起吸引的特质最终会破坏关系。例如，想象我们被一个有很强幽默感的人吸引，他总是能让每个人笑。因为这个吸引力，我们开始和他们建立浪漫关系，却发现他们能在任何情况下讲笑话的能力使得与他们进行严肃对话变得非常困难。如果我们表达希望和愿望或试图解决关系中的问题总是遇到笑话，我们对这个人的吸引力可能会迅速减弱。因此，与其说关系的结束是由期望特质的消失引起的，这些数据表明，期望特质本身可能注定会破坏关系。
While the fatal attraction hypothesis is certainly a possible factor in a relationship’s end, much of the time, the end of a relationship isn’t caused by a single event; rather, it’s a multistage process that unfolds over time (Baxter, 1984). Social psychologist Steven Duck gave his explanation for the steps that occur as relationships dissolve in his phase model of relationship breakdown (Duck, 1982).
尽管致命吸引假设确实可能是关系结束的一个可能因素，但很多时候，关系的结束并不是由单一事件引起的；相反，它是一个多阶段的过程，随着时间的推移展开（Baxter，1984）。社会心理学家史蒂文·达克在他的关系破裂阶段模型中，解释了关系解体时发生的步骤（Duck，1982）。
Duck laid out five stages of relationship dissatisfaction that can either lead to a resolution in which the relationship endures, or increasing dissatisfaction that ultimately leads to a breakup. In the first of these stages, the intrapsychic stage, people think about their dissatisfaction, but don’t express it to anyone else. They consider if this is a relationship they want to continue. In the second stage, the dyadic phase, people discuss their perceived relationship problems with their partner. If these discussions are positive, supportive, and constructive, they might help stabilize the relationship. Unfortunately, these conversations can quickly become negative if partners are accusatory and defensive. In the social phase, people go to their social groups (e.g., friends, family) and discuss the relationship’s problems. If these others offer helpful support for saving the relationship, the couple may stay together. However, if the messages encourage ending the relationship, the relationship will likely end at that point.
达克提出了五个可能导致关系不满的阶段，这些阶段可能要么导致关系得以维持的解决，要么导致不满加剧，最终导致分手。在这些阶段的第一阶段，即心理内阶段，人们会思考自己的不满，但不会向其他人表达。他们会考虑这是否是他们想要继续的关系。在第二阶段，即二元阶段，人们会与他们的伴侣讨论他们感知到的关系问题。如果这些讨论是积极的、支持的、建设性的，它们可能有助于稳定关系。不幸的是，如果伴侣指责和防御，这些对话很快就会变得消极。在社会阶段，人们会去他们的社交群体（例如，朋友、家人）讨论关系问题。如果其他人提供有助于挽救关系的支持，这对夫妇可能会继续在一起。然而，如果这些信息鼓励结束关系，关系很可能会在那个时刻结束。
The final two stages of Duck’s model take place after the dissolution of the relationship. In the first of these, called the grave-dressing phase, people reflect on the relationship, typically finding rationalizations for the end of the relationship that justify why their partner—and not they—was responsible for the end of the relationship. In the final phase, called the resurrection, people look back on the failed relationship, evaluate what they can learn from the experience, and develop an idea of how their next relationship should differ from the one that just ended (Rollie & Duck, 2006).
最后两个阶段发生在关系解体之后。在这些阶段中的第一个，被称为入殓阶段，人们反思关系，通常为关系的结束找到合理的解释，以证明是他们的伴侣而不是他们自己负责关系的结束。在最后一个阶段，称为复活阶段，人们回顾失败的关系，评估他们可以从经验中学到什么，并形成一种想法，即他们下一个关系应该如何与刚刚结束的关系不同（Rollie & Duck，2006）。
A Final Word 最后的话
Let’s end this section on a positive note. Although breakups are hard (research suggests that being forlorn after lost love activates the same brain areas as cocaine withdrawal; Fisher et al., 2010), the pain that they cause doesn’t last forever. While the duration of the pain from breakups will vary greatly based on the nature of the breakup, the duration of the relationship, and many other factors, research suggests that for college students who are ending relationships, healing begins after 3 months, and some markers of mental changes induced by the breakup return to baseline after 6 months (Eastwick et al., 2008; Seraj et al., 2021). Plus, when they are in the depths of despair from a heartache, people significantly overestimate how long they will feel depressed (Eastwick et al., 2008). So, remember: Breakups are hard, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
让我们以积极的态度结束这一部分。尽管分手很痛苦（研究表明，失去爱情后的悲伤会激活与可卡因戒断相同的脑区；Fisher 等人，2010 年），但它们造成的痛苦不会永远持续。虽然分手带来的痛苦持续时间会因分手的性质、关系的持续时间以及许多其他因素而有很大差异，但研究表明，对于结束关系的大学学生来说，愈合开始于 3 个月后，一些由分手引起的心理变化指标在 6 个月后恢复到基线（Eastwick 等人，2008 年；Seraj 等人，2021 年）。此外，当他们因心痛而陷入绝望时，人们会显著高估他们感到抑郁的时间（Eastwick 等人，2008 年）。所以，记住：分手很痛苦，但隧道尽头有光明。